i cried today. not hard. i was listening to "old man" by neil young, and my heart overfilled with bad feelings, and spilled onto my cheeks. last night i cried really hard, in the middle of garden lane at 3:45 in the morning, and it almost washed my face away.
i hate being negative, and i'm trying to keep my chin up, but it really seems as if my life has only gotten progressively worse, and that i am only able to stay awake because of the intermitten, short-term bursts of happiness that randomly grace me.
my best friend in the world is moving to florida in three weeks. she told me a week ago.
my other best friend got kicked out of her house, so she is moving back to nyc in about a week. i know new york isn't far, but it's much farther than driving 5 minutes in my pajamas to watch a movie, or pick her up and go to the beach. besides, with gas being so expensive and round trip fare $18, i know i'm not going to be able to make it into the city nearly as much as i'll want to. plus the fact that i'm stretching paycheck to paycheck, it just sucks.
i'm not going back to lake forest b/c i can never go back there. it's toxic for me. that means i will be at suffolk. again. suffolk is not a bad school. it is not a good school for me, and it derails my school plans completely. i haven't even made my schedule yet for the fall. i think my dad is paying, but-- well, let's just say i would rather shoulder the fiscal responsibility for reasons i'd rather not disclose here.
last night sal had a party, and it was fun until i got trashed. me + alcohol = disgusting, horrible, shameful mel. i threw up a lot this morning, and had to call in sick to work. i also cannot walk properly and have to go to the doctor tomorrow. that is a byproduct of the alcohol and the makeout express.
these entries are far too personal. the weight i carry around my ankle, and the emotion i bury balled deep within my stomach is too big a burden, and i can't take it anymore. i keep thinking things are as bad as they're going to get, and that they can only go up, and then they just get worse.
good-bye.
| | Melanie (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.1){kind=small} dreamon316) wrote, |
it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion
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